DH on the lowdown

Stop talking rubbish…

Nate Harward, my brother

with 6 comments

Goodbye Nate. This really sucks. I guess you thought you would find peace and solace. I know that was mostly absent in your life. Our hearts were broken as youngsters. I understand the devastation. We’ve handled it in our own ways. I’m sorry there was so much pain and there was nothing I could do about it. Warning, this is going to be a raw reduction of my thoughts right now at this moment.

Growing up in an abusive home is shitty. Manipulation and exertion of control along with severe abuse ruled out existence. Sure, we had good times, went places, were physically taken care of as we grew up. However, the bullshit that was thrown at us was unthinkable.

Nate and I were adopted at birth. He was 5 years younger. We have different biological parents. Our adoptive parents brought us into their lives through private adoptions. Such a serious process to get children, it would seem they’d want to take care of and cherish us. Well, despite the lack of those things, Nate and I tried to live fully and support each other as brothers. However, our decision making throughout life was/is constantly compromised by the effects of abuse and manipulation.

From the time I remember I was terrified of my dad. My mom was emotionally absent. Yes, they had their relationship issues which were super fucked up. I realize I’m all over the place. This may take a few posts. Sad truth is there was no truth. A constant facade had to be maintained. There was so much dysfunction and sadness veiled with pretty flowers in the yard, going to church and appearing like the perfect family.

Whatever. This sucks for everyone. Nate’s two sons, Quinton and Riley, are great young men. I wish Nate and I could have been around each other more. You boys keep on living and know your dad loved you immensely.  I know he wished he could give you the world and yet he could never quite figure out what that was.

The pain Nate and I felt after spending time together was overwhelming for us both. We relived the nightmare of boiling in a pot together, being broken down and having our innocence taken away. Fucking bullshit, yet it kicked us in the balls every time we were together as adults.

Nate, you were a fucking genius, a beautiful and caring human being. I have missed what could have been. I will miss you forever. I’m sure I will be writing more about you and our experiences. Peace and love for now. Rest, soar towards the sun, protect your boys.DH and Nate



Written by daveharward

October 11, 2017 at 10:27 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

6 Responses

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  1. Dave, this is super raw. Just know that you have hundreds of people who love you and are here for you. The waves are going to beat the shit out of you for a while. When things settle down, we should plan a backpacking trip. The peace and simplicity of being in the wilderness with only the essentials to survival on your back has been an incredible healing force for me. Hang in there man.


    October 11, 2017 at 10:43 pm

    • Thanks man. There’s a lot of depth to this and I need to keep looking at it. No more running from the pain and sorrow. I like your idea a lot!


      October 14, 2017 at 12:13 pm

  2. Growing up is a fucking hard thing to do! I miss my sisters, I wish things could have been easier for the three of us, but in the end we all walk our own paths. Not sure what happened to your brother, but I want you to know what an inspiration you have been in my life! Laters my friend. johnnymac

    Johnny McConnell

    October 12, 2017 at 6:22 am

    • JohnnyMac, thanks man. The outpouring of concern and love keeps me rolling. I have a beautiful and strong support system with our little family. Breanne is taking care of me along with Luna. There are so many positives in life. This is one of the harder obstacles to manage, yet I will. Thanks!


      October 14, 2017 at 12:15 pm

  3. I am so sorry for your loss, Dave. I’m sorry this brings back so many painful memories. There’s no way for me to know the depth of your feelings, but I send my love and thoughts for peace and healing your way.


    October 14, 2017 at 5:45 pm

  4. I’m so sorry Dave. I always loved Nate’s sense of humor and he oozed kindness.


    October 16, 2017 at 5:16 pm

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