Nate Harward, my brother

Goodbye Nate. This really sucks. I guess you thought you would find peace and solace. I know that was mostly absent in your life. Our hearts were broken as youngsters. I understand the devastation. We’ve handled it in our own ways. I’m sorry there was so much pain and there was nothing I could do about it. Warning, this is going to be a raw reduction of my thoughts right now at this moment.

Growing up in an abusive home is shitty. Manipulation and exertion of control along with severe abuse ruled out existence. Sure, we had good times, went places, were physically taken care of as we grew up. However, the bullshit that was thrown at us was unthinkable.

Nate and I were adopted at birth. He was 5 years younger. We have different biological parents. Our adoptive parents brought us into their lives through private adoptions. Such a serious process to get children, it would seem they’d want to take care of and cherish us. Well, despite the lack of those things, Nate and I tried to live fully and support each other as brothers. However, our decision making throughout life was/is constantly compromised by the effects of abuse and manipulation.

From the time I remember I was terrified of my dad. My mom was emotionally absent. Yes, they had their relationship issues which were super fucked up. I realize I’m all over the place. This may take a few posts. Sad truth is there was no truth. A constant facade had to be maintained. There was so much dysfunction and sadness veiled with pretty flowers in the yard, going to church and appearing like the perfect family.

Whatever. This sucks for everyone. Nate’s two sons, Quinton and Riley, are great young men. I wish Nate and I could have been around each other more. You boys keep on living and know your dad loved you immensely.  I know he wished he could give you the world and yet he could never quite figure out what that was.

The pain Nate and I felt after spending time together was overwhelming for us both. We relived the nightmare of boiling in a pot together, being broken down and having our innocence taken away. Fucking bullshit, yet it kicked us in the balls every time we were together as adults.

Nate, you were a fucking genius, a beautiful and caring human being. I have missed what could have been. I will miss you forever. I’m sure I will be writing more about you and our experiences. Peace and love for now. Rest, soar towards the sun, protect your boys.